Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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