She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
