Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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