...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
