The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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