I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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