I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
