I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
