yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
