this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
