I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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