Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
