maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
