My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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