And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
