pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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