Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you still have your period?
operation harelip BJ is a go
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
