I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
