hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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