Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
