I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
