Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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