i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Houston, we have a blender
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
