she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
