I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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