Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
