he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
