Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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