dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
