just tell him i said nine months
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
