Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
