:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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