Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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