First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
