I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
