it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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