i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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