There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
