i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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