This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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