The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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