I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
