my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
