what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
