so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
