So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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