the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
