i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I smell like Dick and happiness
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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