Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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