he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
