how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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