I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
