So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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