i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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